5/11/2023
Talking to a man of my caliber as far as looks top tier move. Damn. Been doing me working on me for almost a year and I’m back out here coming out with a swing a wine night with a fine ass tall man. Damnnnnnn I’m really that bitch.
12/1/2022
It’s been a while but I’m in the best place I’ve been in mentally in over 8 years. I started therapy, was released from a relationship that was causing me so much anxiety, moved back to my mom’s with two kids no job, been hanging out with friends and all my friendships are so deep it’s the best. I truly can say I am at peace so I can be happy for myself most importantly but my babies as well. The next few months will be big moves in getting back on my feet and in my own place again. But I’m loving this space I’m in. Finally not worried about doing every two week sessions, taking co parenting one day at a time, and healing from being with what I believe to be a narcissist. I’ve set goals and have met a lot of them. Life feels brighter, warmer and lovely.
I’m finally fucking happy.
I wish I could’ve been like this my entire time as a mother, but I can’t change the past and spiral about it, so I’m making the most of this new chapter in our lives. Been a single mother in a relationship for almost 4 year so not much has changed. I wish I could hug 22 year old me and tell her one day she would be free and it won’t be the end of anything but the beginning. Now at 25 I feel like I’m getting closer to myself. 26 is the end of being on my parent’s insurance but shit I’m looking forward to my late 20′s.
Getting into therapy has been the best thing for me. I don’t now where I’d be if I wasn’t able to process things for the past like 6 months. And part of me knew the relationship wasn’t going to work if I continued to work on me. But I was okay with that possibility. I know what I would want in my next relationship if I choose to enter one. But honestly, dating is scary and adding on have two kids to that. I’d rather just live it up with them while they are young and maintain my village and wait to see if someone worthy will come along.
The year about to change means nothing to me, my new life started in August and it’s been a good almost 4 months.
Love having a sag baby and a little pisces. They are so different but so perfect as siblings.
2/23/2022
Had my sweet baby boy a few days ago and life has been good and seeing my baby be a big sister has been so amazing. My heart feels so full. He’s the most calm baby which makes this newborn phase so easy.
I’m just over the constant remarks I get from my family about this that and the other. I just don’t feel the need to wear something that holds me in so anything time they see me it’s where’s something to hold you in. Like I have birth a few days ago let me live I’m not obsessed with snapping back I trust my body. I don’t call to have someone come sit with me and it’s you should be eager to have you kid watched. Between all his sleeping and not having many house things to do being a toddler mom is easy. And then the cut or uncut conversations like shit man why are y’all so worried he’ll be fine. I have so much grace and compassion for my body but those closest to me are so dense they trying to get me insecure. When I look good for it not being a week since. The pressure to be skinny is ridiculous. Like I’m glad my body does go back to how it was but also I’ve had two children and that Is a miracle in itself.
It’s had to enjoy this new transition with family when they are so hellbent on controlling my recovery
2/7/2022
I just hope they know I’m trying my best dispute giving the not the best dad. Being a young mom really took a lot out of me. The constant what if I chose me, because my children’s souls were destined for me regardless. Nothing quite feels like the joy I feel with my baby girl she literally calls me her best friend. Really want to just give birth and love my both my babies full and hard. I hope they can forgive me of my short coming one day because I’m not perfect. I hope I make them proud. I hope one day love will find me and consume me so I can give that much more to them. Really I don’t regret becoming a mom just the person who shares these literal blessings with me. I’m selfish and want them to myself because I’m intentional and parenting on love respect and validation. Because my inner child needs that. She needs to see healthy love respect and validation. I want my kids to be so secure in me having their back. I have a ways to go because I have a hard time standing up for me but I’m getting better. Just parenting with an emotionally immature unaware person will ruin all the good shit I want to do. Fuck I hate me for seeing potential because that’s projecting. I’m so capable of things beyond my belief I think everyone is too. But that’s not it. It fucking clicked. I try to see me in others but not everyone is worthy. What the fuck. I might be a fucking Gemini but at least I’m not an Aquarius man raised by an enabling Pisces mother. My little Aquarius will be the rare one not to meet the slander. And my firey Sagittarius oh she’s going to run the world around her and I’m here for it. I want to make them the best and truest versions of themselves because I couldn’t be that for me. But that will change and maybe I’ll be honest with those around me about myself one day because who really knows me? Just me. And my kids will see me for me good bad and human. I fucking love my kids.
1/10/2022
Going back might have been the dumbest thing I’ve done; outside of having kids with someone too dense to understand why nonblack people have no right to say the n word. I get the biggest lights of my life from someone who doesn’t deserve them nor me. And I can’t blame no one but me. I saw red flags and have stayed and gotten back together with him 3 times. How fucking dumb can I be?